Good Things, New and Old

Today I’m going back to therapy for the first time since July of last year. I’m really looking forward to it.

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Recently I thought of an old college schoolmate. When I was 20, I was struggling in a toxic relationship and all aspects of my life suffered. One day, sitting in a large auditorium for a lecture, a fellow classmate walked in, stroller in front. I watched her sit down in the very first row, so centered she could touch the podium as easily as she could reach for her infant. And I felt, relieved, and understood, even though our circumstances were nothing alike. Seeing her, I felt recharged to take on anything, or at least get through class without pouting inwardly.

 

I got to know her better as we shared a few more, smaller classes. I learned that she was pursuing music for a career. Then we fell out of touch as I graduated in the winter apart from everyone and didn’t make any effort to stay in touch. Well, ten years later I suddenly remembered very vividly the young woman who walked into the 300 seat auditorium stroller first. I racked my brain for a name and found her on Instagram. I wrote a short message just letting her know that she’d been an inspiration to me ten years ago, and came into my mind again very recently and brought me a smile. To my surprise she messaged me back, and we chatted briefly. (Towards the beginning she wrote “I’m trying to recall you completely”, which, is such a beautiful phrase that will stay with me for a long time.) Long story short, as I’m traveling to California quite a bit now, I definitely plan to catch her performing live one of these days!

 

I sure am grateful for all the good things, new and old. Happy Wednesday, lovies.

Mini Blog Update: New Icon

Brutus the wall mounted staghorn fern is now the avatar or indeed mascot of this here little thang.

you can see him here in all his blurry glory

 

Years ago when Amanda first started this blog, her chosen icon was this:

 

…which I think summed her up really well. It also packs a ridiculous amount of information that isn’t decipherable in link-icon form. I decided to go with Brutus because two summer ago, Mini helped me wall mount him, and I’ve loved him extra dearly ever since. This is just a little change. I’m still tinkering around to make this a nice, open space for me, for Mini, and perhaps others.

 

Happy Monday, see y’all around.

Poetry Ptuesday: Late October by Maya Angelou

Carefully

the leaves of autumn

sprinkle down the tinny

sound of little dyings

and skies sated

of ruddy sunsets

or roseate dawns

roil ceaselessly in

cobweb greys and turn

to black

for comfort.

 

Only lovers

see the fall

a signal end to endings

a gruffish gesture alerting

those who will not be alarmed

that we begin to stop

in order simply

to begin

again.

 

A Series of Efforts

Coming back here after significant time away compels me to begin again by reviewing my output up until the recent lapse.

First, I fell into some familiar bad habits from when I first took over in early 2017. I relied on other people (this time, the ever lovely Christina) for regular uploads of original content, and I myself only managed to share some snippets of what I was reading.

Second, I failed to keep up with the various series I started. I started them with the intention of having a formula to follow for regular, fresh content, but instead quickly was in over my head. I wrote about failing to keep up even back in July, in a convoluted effort to both avoid updating and (re)-commit myself to the task.

That’s my life in the blogosphere. In the life lived offline, while I was away, I:

  • bought land & finalized site plans for our forever home
  • naturalized as a U.S. citizen
  • lost 15 pounds through simple (but tough!) CICO

&… I married my favorite person. Life is so good right now. But it took work to get here, and it will take work to move forward. Here’s what I’ll be up to:

After completing slow fashion season 2019 in September (with the exception of a bespoke Karen Walker dress for my rehearsal + rehearsal dinner), I’m now more motivated than ever to continue on my path of lowering consumption and waste. I’m also making an adjacent effort to tackle my “resell closet”. My ideal timeline is to:

  1. have everything organized and ready to begin by January 1st
  2. give myself a year to offload inventory
  3. plan to donate whatever does not sell at the conclusion of 2020

Since getting my second dog almost three years ago now, I’ve relied on running my dogs around as my only exercise. Unsurprisingly as Lizzie exited puppy-hood, I gained enough weight to graze the ceiling of a healthy BMI. I’ve hit a plateau in my fitness and weight loss by changing my diet alone. So I am adding back real gym time into my routine to improve my health, energy and appearance.

In November I am returning to therapy after a year+ hiatus. I’ve developed some concerns regarding how I interact with my parents. I haven’t been calibrating my expectations well, which has hurt me and surely, them. I realized that though I sought help for my grief and loss when Amanda took her own life, I didn’t really stay in therapy long enough to address the new dynamics of sadly becoming an only child in adulthood.

After completing my online QPR training, I’ve begun to explore more suicide prevention training. My end goal is to volunteer directly with a crisis center that answers lifeline calls. I’m taking these steps slowly, to make sure that I am able, ready, and the best I can be for myself and those in need.

In addition to all of the above, I’m back to use this blog as a way of holding myself accountable. Onward, friends! To begin a new series of efforts!

 

 

 

6 Things I learned as a Vipassana Server

I recently became ill (and am still recovering) while working abroad, and needed to center and heal ASAP. My brain automatically brought Vipassana to mind, because as a student, I experienced sheer peace and happiness from the practice. However, I wanted to be on the other side, I wanted to serve at a course this time. I happened to be en route to Dallas, TX and was able to locate a center just 45 minutes outside of the city. I contacted them and applied to serve between the courses, as well as partly during a course.

I was so humbled when I was accepted to serve. As a student, I didn’t realize how much work the servers had on their shoulders, and how happy they were to be serving (the courses are donation-based after all). I also didn’t understand how the center functioned behind boundary lines. As a server, you are there to offer your services, your time, energy and to send Metta (loving-kindness) to all of the students sitting at the course, without expecting anything in return. You are there to ensure the students’ needs come first, and that they feel as comfortable as possible to have a successful sitting. I learned that everything in a Vipassana course is set up for a reason, and it made me appreciate the practice even more. Here is what I learned:

1. You are also working diligently.

As a student, your focus is to work hard on your meditation. You follow the gongs in order to wake up, meditate, eat, meditate again, eat again, meditate some more, drink tea, meditate yet again, and listen to the discourse. As a server, you are still doing a lot of that, but add in preparing meals and cleaning for sometimes hundreds of people, plus ringing the gongs. During the course, you are up at 4 AM and asleep at 10 PM. Between courses, you don’t have to wake up as early or go to sleep as late, and the focus may be less on cooking, and more on cleaning and maintaining the center. I never felt better mopping or scrubbing #workingmeditation

2. The practice of noble, or right speech

In addition to adhering to the same precepts as the students, you are allowed to speak in the kitchen, where students can’t hear you. This speaking is limited to “right speech,” meaning abstinence from false, slanderous, harsh speech or idle chatter. It is noted that right or noble speech, is considered more difficult than not speaking at all, and I completely agree. It can sometimes feel stressful in the kitchen, and it’s important to practice equanimity, and communicate with compassion.

3. Metta is so very important

As a student, I couldn’t understand why the servers would stay behind after we would finish with discourse. I soon learned, the servers remain behind to practice Metta and to send loving thoughts to the students in the course and to the world. How beautiful is that? I have made a great effort to focus more on Metta during my meditations.

4. How to Cook

Being a server is one of the best cooking lessons you will ever receive. I served alongside a few amazing women and men, who all, for the most part, knew how to cook with experience and skill. In attempting to show off my own skills, I would get a few head shakes, and then I would lovingly be shown a better way to chop or cut something. I was also given yummy ideas and recipes (the best meals you will ever eat are during a Vipassana course) to make at home.

5. You may still pass through storms

Storms are a common place for students in a course. Challenging emotions and physical sensations may surface. As a server, you may still experience storms because of the challenges and potential stresses in the kitchen, and because you are also meditating quite a bit each day. Anicha, anicha… The teacher is always there for the servers as well.

6. Dhamma brings amazing people together

I made a few lifelong friends while serving. Everyone I met was full of love and compassion. They were there for all of the right reasons and had such lovely energy and stories to share. Although we came from all walks of life, we seemed to share so much in common.

In Metta,

Christina K.