365 Days of Gratitude: Day 3, or, Double Love.

Today I learned about Mini and Grandma’s (i.e. the mother of yours truly here) “double love”.

Side note: a bit of background, my late sister Amanda’s Chinese name, Wu Shuang, plainly translated, meant “no double”. The phrase derives from “tian xia wu shuang”, or, “sky, under, no, double”. This means, unparalleled, unlike any other. But from birth, Amanda’s nickname quickly became “shuang shuang” because of its cheery, melodic quality. (And if you think we didn’t make double-double jokes when we learned of In-n-Out, way ahead of ya!)

Bonus side note: yours truly was named Wu Hwa at birth (“no talent”), because for four and a half years following Amanda’s birth, many people pointed out the boastful nature of “no double” to Grandma, who subsequently opted to atone for that with my name. Fun fact.

Annyyywho, I’d arranged for Mini to spend some time with Grandma in December, and the two of them in that time together came to the most wonderful thing. They have decided they would each love the other one double: Grandma has always her love for Mini, and Grandma’s love for Amanda she now transferred to Mini. Conversely, Mini has also always loved Grandma, but now, her love for her mom she has also given onto Grandma.

It is simply the most lovely of coincidences that Amanda was already always Shuang Shuang (double-double), and now two souls once lost in the loss of her, have found they have twice the love for each other.

I am grateful I was lucky enough to witness this beautiful development. I can’t imagine ever not being in total awe of this, which has blossomed out of tragedy and trauma.

Today was a phenomenal day. Until tomorrow, lovies.

365 Days of Gratitude: Day 2.

This is a late entry for January 3rd, for which I missed the deadline by 2 hours and change (assuming midnight PST cutoff). In my defense I had gone out to dinner, then when I returned my mom practically met me at the door with cupping therapy in an effort to combat my cough from a recent cold. When the session concluded it was past 11p and I had to go to sleep to stop feeling excrutiating pain.

At any rate, I had much to be grateful for on January 3rd!

I saw this great sign from a church pronouncing inclusion

We went to a Korean supermarket and I found a convenient, ice cream’ed (as in, when they improve a well know sweet treat by pumping it full of ice cream) version of one of my favorite desserts.

Sushi of Gari in NYC has a brilliant taiyaki that they serve with matcha ice cream on the side. Not saying this is decidedly a better take but you CAN eat this without pants on and won’t have dishes to clean afterwards either

My cousin took me to Burke Williams and I had a real facial for the first time in my life. It was a great experience. I’m honestly too cheap and skiddish around strangers to make spa-going a habit, but I’m glad I exercised open-mindedness, had a good time, and was spoiled rotten for a spell! (I didn’t buy either of the products recommended by my aesthetician, either. I’m sorry Audrey! I need to save luggage space for food!)

Other highlights: I went to a place called Tpumps for the first time, and got to customize my own drink from start to finish!

We then went a few doors down (to Nothing Bundt Cakes) and purchased a dozen mini bundt cakes for my mom’s dinner party tomorrow night (tonight). This was another place I’ve never been before.

We had hotpot for dinner with my cousin’s lovely friend (creep her Insta here), and I ate my top favorite food basking in the company of wonderful women.

To top off my day, well, sadly I’ve not been rid of my cough but my mom tried and that’s what counts! See you in the next, kitty kats.

I’m trying… 365 Days of Gratitude!

2020 is going to be a year of gratitude, for me, and hopefully, many fortunate and introspective others.

I know, I know, I missed the first day of the year already. But fear not, thanks to February 29th, 2020, there are still 365 days to go (including today!).

Today I am traveling to SoCal to visit my parents. I am grateful for that!

I’m a touch under the weather.

Nightstand during recovery

(Yes, I am a horrible monster for getting on a plane, I’m sorry! I slept as much as I could and tried not to spread my germs any!)

But due to illness amplifying my innate laziness, I took out all the very little patience I have for packing by going single palette.

Ta-da!

Now, stay tuned for what I’m grateful for tomorrow! (Given that I’ve now arrived in southern California aka the land of plenty [of asian cuisine], I’m pretty sure it’ll be food.) Good bye for a day– (I hope), squirrel friends.

Holiday Gifting – Ground Rules

I meant to write this post earlier, but as I’ve procrastinated for such a long time we’re now fully living in the “holiday shopping season” so we just have to get basic here. Numbered lists are our friends.

1. Re-gifting is OKAY.

Repurposing a gift is just that: giving a present a new purpose. As long as you give it the same way you would a brand new, just bought present, that is, with greatest possible consideration for how the item fits into the life of the person you’re giving it to, then you’re golden. We should recognize that for all of our trying, often times another person gets it wrong about us, sometimes we even get it wrong about ourselves, and something we or they thought belongs in our lives, really doesn’t. If it fits better with another person, that’s where it ideally should go.

2. No shame in CASH game.

If you have money to spare for someone you know who can truly benefit, why should any party involved feel badly about that? If everyone you know has enough, donate in someone else’s name!

3. Like money, you can spend TIME.

A gift that costs your time is at least just as valid as one that cost your money. “Gift ideas” and “guides” are purely advertisements. There are no advertisements for homemade presents or time spent together doing something fulfilling and meaningful, because if everyone prioritized gifting loved ones our time, companies wouldn’t make money.

 

That’s all I wanted to share, now go and bask in the holiday spirit, squirrel friends.

3 Years and Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and for the first time in 3 years it’s not falling on or right before the anniversary of Amanda’s death. I think we all of us left are thankful for getting that break. This past year I’ve been lucky to have a lot for which I’m thankful.

  1. I’m thankful I became a citizen, despite having major issues with my lawyer in the process.
  2. As result of naturalizing, I was able to vote for the first time in my adult life, and for that I’m thankful.
  3. A few months ago, my beloved dog nephew Zai passed away. But I’m thankful for the time we got to spend together this year, and all the years prior.
  4. On the 3 year anniversary of Amanda’s death, I took my parents to visit her. I’m thankful that I have the resources to accomplish that.
  5. Later today I have therapy, and I’m thankful that I have an open and safe space in which to sort through my emotions and emerge stronger and more ready.
  6. I took my QPR training, and I’ve been on my own connecting with individuals online who professed severe depression and/or suicidal ideation. I’m thankful for their presence and their words. I don’t take for granted that they’re willing to communicate with a stranger who just wants to help. I’m thankful for the opportunity to speak of my sister and my dad, for the chance to remember her, and have hope that his recovery can inspire others.
  7. I’m the most thankful that I married my best friend and the love of my life. I’m thankful my parents are healthy and were able to walk me down the aisle. I’m thankful Mini has blossomed into such a bright young lady who I was proud to have at my side. I’m thankful for all the work my cousin and my mom put in to creating our parting gifts. I’m thankful for my dad and Mini’s speeches, for the love evident in them, and because the speeches showed me how far they’d come in their respective journeys.

When I wrote my two year review, I still felt far behind where I wanted to be. I was stressed that I would never be able to do enough. I’m so, so thankful that today, I’m past that. I’m in therapy proactively, not because I was thrust into grief and loss and didn’t know what to do. A year ago I felt like I had to keep moving and working to keep my head above the tumultuous waters of Amanda’s suicide (meaning, all facets from the physical, tangible loss of her, to the emotions it created in other people I loved, and how it made me feel). At that point, I had spent two years feeling so pressured. Some time in the last year I got through and ahead. Now I’m spending my time and energy pursuing the future I want rather than trying to outrun past trauma. I’m thankful to be standing where I am today. I sure am a lucky gal.

Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow, kitty cats.