Dr. Wise Money

I woke up at 4:30 AM today from another strange dream, where my mom told me Prince Harry was planning to propose to me. I guess we were all super close with the royals? IDK. Dreams. I said there is no way because he is dating sexy hot Meghan Markle, and he is really not my type and plus I am in a relationship. It didn’t seem to matter. Finally, Prince Harry proposed to me with a crazy set of rings, made of Princess Diana’s diamonds. He said he’s always been in love with me. I mention his hot GF… He says the family will never approve if I know what he means. I then mention my partner, and he just walks away, as though I don’t have a choice. I tell my partner, and his friend gets involved and said he knew I would ultimately disappoint him someday. I have to start attending these nightly formal dinners like in Downton Abbey with itchy clothes and we have to be secretive about everything while outdoors. Meanwhile, it’s clear neither of us is attracted to one another. I show up for dinner a couple weeks later, and he said that he has decided to get back together with Meghan. I am so confused and feel like crap because I now have to beg for my partner back. Strange (GUYS, HE GOT ENGAGED LIKE A WEEK AFTER THIS).

Weird dreams are normal, per the teacher. While blowing my nose in the bathroom, I notice my nose is heavily bleeding for the second day in a row. Also, I woke up with painful canker sores. Maybe from all of the lemon water? I don’t have much of an appetite for breakfast, and I spent the time walking instead. At morning meditation we were asked to return and listen to an hour of Goenka telling us that we should be thorough, diligent, equanimous, etc. He also speaks on how we are not masters of our physical sensations, as we can’t control them. They come and go as they please. He explains that this is our last serious day to work and to make every minute worthwhile.

Lunch is not long after and is a rice noodle stir fry. It’s delicious and I eat a solid three helpings with some seeds on the side for the squirrel and for my dinner. It looks like the squirrel brought a friend/family member/partner along. I wonder what their relationship dynamic is like. I meet with the teacher and ask her why this is the last serious day to work. She said after morning meditation tomorrow, we will have an hour of training on a new type of meditation which will be the balm to our surgical wounds.  At 10 AM we will break our noble silence and in-between meditations, we will be able to start talking, so we can acclimate back to the real world. I then speak to her about how I don’t like to discuss the past or even the future. They both stress me out in different ways, plus the past has already happened and the present is the only thing guaranteed. She entirely agrees with me. The past is done and there is nothing we do to change that. As far as the future, we can make goals and look forward to it, but we shouldn’t be attached to what will or won’t happen. I then asked if she thinks it’s weird that I am always giving my stuff away to people who I think want or need it. She said no.

I walk two rounds before taking a short nap. I decided I would shower at the end of the day instead. The afternoon meditation is hard, and my leg pain is so uncomfortable and causes me to shift. We are brought back again, and Goenka discusses the exact pain I was just experiencing and what to do about it. He says to be objective and to stay with it for a minute or two, then begin focusing on other areas of the body. Being adverse to it will only create more sankaras. Tea time was delish with my sunflower seeds. I only walk a lap, before sitting to enjoy the firey red and oranges of the sky overlapped by the full moon.

Evening meditation is again tough and Lydia keeps talking, or whispering to herself? But I actually overcome emotional stuff and make peace with the guilt over my brother’s passing. I can’t believe November 25th will be 10 years since he’s been gone. I even cried. The discourse was good. Goenka said if we don’t practice this daily in the real world, then this retreat is equivalent to a rite or ceremony. No difference. And if we are not feeling the change already, that we aren’t doing the technique correctly. He talks about how we are the only ones in control of ourselves, no one or nothing can make us happy or miserable. Just ourselves. And this is true the other way around. When we depend on others or other things, we will ultimately be unhappy. Same with blaming others. We can only blame ourselves. He also discussed the reason Vipassana is free. It allows everyone to attend with little expectation or entitlement.

 No flashlights needed with this full moon.

I woke up around 5:30 AM from a very strange dream. I somehow escaped for the night with my partner, and all of a sudden we were making out in our apartment, but then it wasn’t our apartment. I explained that we shouldn’t be doing this because it’s one of the rules. As I am trying to explain, he transformed into a previous partner, who wasn’t as compassionate or understanding.  I began freaking out because I was at least two hours away from the course, and I would need to get back before anyone sees me (so, like 2 AM). Meanwhile, there is a cat in the apartment, who isn’t Banana, and who keeps hissing and posturing at me. I grab a nearby violin bow and point at it to exert myself as alpha, and end up poking it. It stops moving and when I take a look, I realize that I have badly punctured the poor creature, and it’s really hurt. I freak out even more and think about what kind of monster I am. I feel like complete crap and wake up. Luckily this was followed by a BM (toxins, am I right?).

Breakfast was as per usual. I walked a mile, and when I got back to my room I noticed I was developing foot blisters. I can’t complain considering that I have been using the same sandals everyday. I threw on some bandaids. Morning meditation goes well. We are always asked to return back to the hall for further instructions now. When we are given breaks, we all run to the restroom. I think all of us are drinking more water than usual. Again, so glad my hallmate gave me those extra bottles. I use them for my lemon water concoction and use my own canteen for regular water.  I still don’t understand why anyone would want to remain in the hall. Too loud, too smelly and too much energy.

Lunch is a vegan gluten-free lasagna, which isn’t bad. The squirrel makes its return and us regulars go out and help it get its filling of seeds for the winter. I keep thinking we could get in trouble for this, but it’s worth it. I meet with the teacher to ask what  ‘sweep and moss’ means. She explains he is saying ‘sweep and mass’ which means sweeping through the entire mass of the body, rather than focusing on each individual part. I ask about ‘weebletts’ and she says he is saying ‘wavelets.’ We both agree that he has a strange choice for words. I make three rounds on the trail before having to stop due to my blister pain. Afternoon meditation is quiet, smooth and quick. Can’t complain.

Tea time is better because I felt inspired by the squirrel and I snuck a second handful of seeds for myself to get protein in the evening. I throw olive oil salt and pepper on them. I notice the gal sitting next to me is really crying. I haven’t heard or seen too many people crying since being here. I figure because it’s so dry? I walk for a little while before sitting on a rock to enjoy the colorful sunset and the almost full moon. It is gorgeous up against the pink sky and looks huge. Lydia is especially loud during evening meditation, constantly shifting, coughing and making strange grunting noises. I assume she is in and out of sleep.

During the discourse, Goenka discusses how awareness and equanimity must go hand in hand in for meditation practice to be successful. He describes them like wings of a bird. They must be equal in length. He explains the differences between the four types of people: people who leave darkness for darkness, people who leave the light for darkness, people who leave darkness for light, and people who leave light for light. So then he tells us stories of many salty people wanted to take Buddha down, and one story really stuck to me. A Hindu priest whose followers started following Dharma, notices his livelihood going down the drain, because everyone was jumping on the Vipassana train, and no longer needed religious rituals led by priests. He shows up to kill Buddha and aggressively starts yelling at him. Buddha asks him to sit down, the priest doesn’t because he knows if he calms down he won’t move forward with killing him. So, he keeps verbally abusing him. Until Buddha asks, ‘Sir, do people visit your home?’ ‘Yes, many, why?!’ ‘What happens if they bring you a gift that you don’t want to accept?’ ‘I tell them to keep it because I don’t want it.’ ‘Well sir, you are a visitor in my home and I won’t accept your gift of verbal abuses.’ The man is so shocked by this statement that he begins receiving training in Vipassana. Goenka discusses how we can still respond without reacting if something is bothering us. We can stand up to it… just as long as it is 100% with good intention.

In avoiding creating sankara’s (roots of craving and aversion), the old sankara’s will naturally go away. Just like the body takes a while to die while it is starving from lack of calories. We will starve our body of sankaras. It’s important for us to take care of the root of the tree, otherwise, we won’t have fruit.  The last meditation of the evening was quite difficult. People seemed fidgety. Lydia wouldn’t stop moving, unzipping and zipping her purse, coughing, etc. I developed a cough myself, which is why I was happy to hear some chanting. Tomorrow is day 9. Holy moly!

I woke up at 1:30 AM this morning, despite taking Benadryl. Bumps and itchiness still present. Those pills have been in my purse for a while, and I can’t find an expiration date. This is the fourth morning I’ve had Fergie’s Glamorousstuck in my head. Great song, but not an appropriate setting. Where is impermanence when you need it? I force myself back to sleep.

For breakfast, I crush up rice cakes and throw on salt, nutritional yeast, and olive oil. If you squint hard enough, it kind of tastes like buttery popcorn (created a recipe for it here). Finally, something savory. When I leave, a group of women are standing facing the sunrise, and are in awe as though watching a spectator’s sport. After I walk around the path a few times, I head in for morning meditation. For about 10+ minutes before we all enter the hall, most of us stretch. It’s amazing how limber a lot of these older women are. I feel like a robot in need of grease in comparison. The mediation goes well. Lydia is quiet, but the women in front of her clear her throat about every few minutes, and makes this gross swallowing sound when she does.

I eat lunch outside because it’s slightly cool and beautiful. They serve red lentil soup with curried peas and cauliflower. It tastes ok. I stock up the salad and rice. As I am eating the manager heads outside holding a white bag and hands it to me. It reads ‘Please give to Christina, it is very important. Thanks, Mom.’ UMMMMM. My mom drove 2.5+ hours to drop off my oxy mag supplements. Who is even worthy of such treatment?! I start to cry… (silently) UGLY CRY. Later with the teacher, I bring this up, partly out of shock from the amount of unconditional love my parents have for me, and the sadness I have for not being able to communicate how grateful and appreciative I am for them. But I keep reminding myself that I will see them this weekend. With the teacher, I also bring up Goenka’s accent, and how I can’t understand everything he says. Like ‘cross sensations.’ She says he is saying ‘gross sensations’ Ohhhh… How about when he says ‘an abortion to these sensations.’ Apparently, he is saying aversion. Well, that makes a huge difference. Both his pronunciations and word choices are just silly to me. I then ask if the sensations we are feeling are old traumas or sakaras. And she said yes. Each time we feel aversion or craving, there is a physical sensation that pops up. That is what is bubbling up. Then for venting purposes, I bring up Lydia yesterday. She said she knows, and that each person is experiencing their own challenges here. After meeting with her, I clean the communal restrooms which weren’t so bad and then shower and do some laundry. Afterward, I walk two rounds and shower again (it’s hot). Really great use of my resting time, I think.

Afternoon meditation is good, except Lydia is playing with a cough drop in her mouth. She also takes forever to unwrap other cough drops. Why not just unwrap them before you enter the hall?! I keep thinking that I have four more days of this. Before walking in, I was stretching on a rock and saw the cutest little creature. I want to say it’s a dessert squirrel (later confirmed as such), but this is the first time I’ve seen one in the flesh. It’s small, furry, and has the cutest curly tail. It has a cactus fruit dangling from its full cheeks, and I just wanted to capture and take it home. Law of nature (Dhamma), right?

At the tea break, I have tea with a banana with salt and cinnamon sprinkled on top. I oil pullas I walk, and nearly choke. Won’t be doing that again.

Each time I am about to enter another meditation, I think to myself, how am I going to last another hour of this?! As I walk in, Lydia yawns and I get a good whiff of her dead tooth. Lovely. That’s what I’ve been smelling this entire time. Yuck. They really set me in a crappy spot, or maybe this is part of the learning experience. If I can meditate next to her, I suppose I can meditate anywhere. Again, she is loudly sucking on a cough drop. I just can’t.

During the discourse, Goenka discusses craving and addiction. If you learn the sensation you are craving, you won’t need the substance. The substance is never what you are actually going after. Frankly, I haven’t had any craving for my Juul (e-cig) since I’ve been here. So I guess something is working? He discussed how Vipassana has helped numerous people in the past. Like the president of Burma, who was an alcoholic. And after finally agreeing to stop alcohol to take the course, he realized he didn’t need it anymore. Then he said our five biggest enemies are craving, aversion, tiredness, agitation, and doubt. He explains we are coming out of the most intense part of the surgery. He then pats us on the back for not running away (I mentally do the same). As far as I can tell, all of us are still here. I’ve literally made up stories for each person, complete bios for where they are from, if they are in relationships, what they do for a living, the reason they are here. It will be weird to finally talk with them and be proven right or wrong. Goenka then mentioned that Vipassana is a science, not a dogma. I can dig that. The last meditation is difficult. I don’t see why we can’t just head to bed after the discourse. As I am meditating, I think of all of the people I know who this would greatly benefit.

FYI no one dressed up for Halloween. But as we left to our rooms from the meditation hall, it was cold and windy and a waxing almost-full moon lit the way. It’s as spooky as it can get at in Dhammaland. I think to myself, what would Goenka dress up as? Maybe a priest? Ha.