I woke up at 4:30 AM today from another strange dream, where my mom told me Prince Harry was planning to propose to me. I guess we were all super close with the royals? IDK. Dreams. I said there is no way because he is dating sexy hot Meghan Markle, and he is really not my type and plus I am in a relationship. It didn’t seem to matter. Finally, Prince Harry proposed to me with a crazy set of rings, made of Princess Diana’s diamonds. He said he’s always been in love with me. I mention his hot GF… He says the family will never approve if I know what he means. I then mention my partner, and he just walks away, as though I don’t have a choice. I tell my partner, and his friend gets involved and said he knew I would ultimately disappoint him someday. I have to start attending these nightly formal dinners like in Downton Abbey with itchy clothes and we have to be secretive about everything while outdoors. Meanwhile, it’s clear neither of us is attracted to one another. I show up for dinner a couple weeks later, and he said that he has decided to get back together with Meghan. I am so confused and feel like crap because I now have to beg for my partner back. Strange (GUYS, HE GOT ENGAGED LIKE A WEEK AFTER THIS).

Weird dreams are normal, per the teacher. While blowing my nose in the bathroom, I notice my nose is heavily bleeding for the second day in a row. Also, I woke up with painful canker sores. Maybe from all of the lemon water? I don’t have much of an appetite for breakfast, and I spent the time walking instead. At morning meditation we were asked to return and listen to an hour of Goenka telling us that we should be thorough, diligent, equanimous, etc. He also speaks on how we are not masters of our physical sensations, as we can’t control them. They come and go as they please. He explains that this is our last serious day to work and to make every minute worthwhile.

Lunch is not long after and is a rice noodle stir fry. It’s delicious and I eat a solid three helpings with some seeds on the side for the squirrel and for my dinner. It looks like the squirrel brought a friend/family member/partner along. I wonder what their relationship dynamic is like. I meet with the teacher and ask her why this is the last serious day to work. She said after morning meditation tomorrow, we will have an hour of training on a new type of meditation which will be the balm to our surgical wounds.  At 10 AM we will break our noble silence and in-between meditations, we will be able to start talking, so we can acclimate back to the real world. I then speak to her about how I don’t like to discuss the past or even the future. They both stress me out in different ways, plus the past has already happened and the present is the only thing guaranteed. She entirely agrees with me. The past is done and there is nothing we do to change that. As far as the future, we can make goals and look forward to it, but we shouldn’t be attached to what will or won’t happen. I then asked if she thinks it’s weird that I am always giving my stuff away to people who I think want or need it. She said no.

I walk two rounds before taking a short nap. I decided I would shower at the end of the day instead. The afternoon meditation is hard, and my leg pain is so uncomfortable and causes me to shift. We are brought back again, and Goenka discusses the exact pain I was just experiencing and what to do about it. He says to be objective and to stay with it for a minute or two, then begin focusing on other areas of the body. Being adverse to it will only create more sankaras. Tea time was delish with my sunflower seeds. I only walk a lap, before sitting to enjoy the firey red and oranges of the sky overlapped by the full moon.

Evening meditation is again tough and Lydia keeps talking, or whispering to herself? But I actually overcome emotional stuff and make peace with the guilt over my brother’s passing. I can’t believe November 25th will be 10 years since he’s been gone. I even cried. The discourse was good. Goenka said if we don’t practice this daily in the real world, then this retreat is equivalent to a rite or ceremony. No difference. And if we are not feeling the change already, that we aren’t doing the technique correctly. He talks about how we are the only ones in control of ourselves, no one or nothing can make us happy or miserable. Just ourselves. And this is true the other way around. When we depend on others or other things, we will ultimately be unhappy. Same with blaming others. We can only blame ourselves. He also discussed the reason Vipassana is free. It allows everyone to attend with little expectation or entitlement.

 No flashlights needed with this full moon.

Vipassana Day 10: Master of None (a 12-day Journal of my Vipassana Silent Meditation Retreat Experience)

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