Dr. Wise Money

Today I woke up at 4:15 AM to wash out the conditioning mask from my hair. I tried to fall back asleep but failed. Today’s breakfast was better than yesterday’s because they had my favorite fall fruit, persimmons! Honestly, I wish they would just serve us lunch leftovers because there is nothing savory for breakfast. Or at least offer eggs (everything is vegetarian at the center). I don’t think I have mentioned that I ran out of my oxygenated magnesium (my magic bm pills), which means I’ve barely gone to the bathroom. Even with eating vegan mush, and the copious amounts of water I’ve been drinking, and laps around the track… Nada. My morning walk was beautiful, but there is this one woman who gives me the strangest look each time she walks by. This is the third day I’ve noticed. Maybe I stare strangely at the other gals? I think we are all losing it. Speaking of communal spaces, sometimes we will hold the door for each other, and we will use our eyes to say thank you or bow, or accidentally mouth it or even say it. We aren’t supposed to gesture at each other, let alone break noble silence, but it happens. Noble habits are hard to break.

There are a mother and daughter here together, who often sit together, and sometimes gesture or whisper to each other. It’s sweet and makes me miss my own mom. Even though I did a conditioning treatment, my hair still feels dry. I mean, it’s the high desert. Also, my face feels super dry, and bumpy, maybe even hive-like. Am I overdoing the face masks, or allergic to something else?

The first meditation today was hard. It just felt longer than ever before. The teacher called us up in groups to see how we were doing with focusing on the nostrils and any sensations that arise during the meditations. I said it feels dry and warm, others said they could feel their nostrils expanding. My loud and older neighbor ‘Lydia’ said she can’t stop herself from falling asleep. We know… We can hear you snoring.

For lunch, I did what I promised I would do, which is to eat an entire plate of salad. On the side, I had a corn tortilla with beans and cilantro. I’ve been taking advantage of all of the seasonings they have to offer. There is the one I really like but I can’t remember the name. And nutritional yeast…mmm. After lunch, I waited patiently to speak with the teacher. While waiting, I realized the rabbits here don’t run away when you get near. They must know they are safe in Dhammaland.

During my ‘interview’ with the teacher, I expressed my frustrations and my agitation regarding my neighbor (Lydia), without naming names. She eluded that she knew exactly who I was talking about, without mentioning any specific names. She said this can be tough and unavoidable because we are a big group in a small room. She mentioned they are probably not doing it on purpose and hopefully, they will figure out it’s disturbing and stop. She recommended I turn my agitation into compassion. Maybe this person is having a difficult time? I then explained that I fluctuate between a feeling of peace and claustrophobia. She said it’s all normal. Just be aware of such, and let it go. Anicca(impermanence aka everything is temporary). After the meeting, I washed some of my clothes with hand soap and hung them out to dry. Kind of fun. Let’s see how quickly they dry. Yes, this is how we party in Dhammaland. I had time to make a round on the racetrack before the break was over. Also, I keep hearing weird sounds like someone is bombing. We are next to 29 Palms military base after all. The dichotomy!!! Real question. Would they stop the meditation if something serious was happening out there?

The afternoon meditation was also really hard for me. I ended up being the noisy one. I kept fidgeting and I just didn’t want to focus on my dry and burning nostrils. I thought about how I randomly woke up at 11:11 PM, and that it must have been a sign. I also thought about how one of the fellow meditators wears shirts with the strangest sayings written on them. I also thought about how it is majority white women here, and maybe just a quarter, or a little more of POC. Why is that? I look forward to the moment Goenka begins chanting (even though he has a frog-like voice) because that marks the end of our meditation. Tea break was same ol’, but I didn’t eat anything, because fruit just didn’t sound appetizing. My clothing dried quickly, but my towel was super hard. I decided to re-soak it and hang it up again.

This evening’s meditation was also difficult, and now I am wondering if it’s because I ate a larger lunch? I didn’t feel full though. That’s a question for tomorrow. Again, I was so ecstatic to hear Goenka’s concluding chanting. At discourse, he discussed how nothing is solid and how everything is impermanent (anicca). We are different people from moment to moment, and you will never touch the same water in a river (unless it’s a lazy river). Same with our feelings. We may feel ecstasy one moment, pain the next. As long as we acknowledge our feelings and do not attach, we are fine. Tomorrow we will finally begin Vipassana practice. Apparently focusing on just the nose and nostrils has been preparing us for this? The last meditation also felt long, and images and feelings of old friends came up, but it was all temporary… Anicca. I forgot to grab my towel and refused to walk outside alone. There are coyote droppings everywhere, and I can hear them digging outside my window at night.

Well, I woke up multiple times throughout the night and was officially wide awake at 3 AM. I never thought I would look forward to a 4 AM bell. It was barely audible when it finally went off. If you didn’t read yesterday’s entry, this twin bed is anything but luxurious, and I would recommend bringing a mattress pad if you ever attempt your own meditation retreat. The pillow I brought from parent’s home is strangely shaped, and totally wrong for me, thus killing my neck.

Since I was up super early and wasn’t planning on going to the hall to meditate, I decided to use this Korean foot softener concoction that I would have to leave on for two hours while I ‘meditated’ before breakfast. While ‘meditating’, I fantasized about having to clean the communal bathrooms/showers on Day 6. At least I will have something to do? When I was finished meditating, I decided to re-organize everything I brought with me, because why not? As far as clothing is concerned, I definitely didn’t bring enough for the occasion. Typical me. I guess I will HAVE to hand wash my clothing at some point then. More things to do… bummer. As for spa products, I was excited to finally have time for self-care and to use a deep conditioner in my hair, and take advantage of using face masks. I was also excited to find time to do my daily stretches and physical therapy exercises. Every day, I plan to use all of the above, in addition, oil pull (coconut oil? oops), cleanse and exfoliate my face, brush and floss my teeth multiple times a day, etc. Self-care meets boredom FTW.

Walking to breakfast was beautiful, but a little chilly. The sunrise greeted us all with spectacular colors on the horizon. Breakfast was plain as to be expected. I sat facing the wall, as to avoid eye contact and the temptation for talking. I ate corn flakes with soy milk (didn’t know I was sensitive to soy at this time). I walked the quarter-mile walking path and stretched along the way afterward. I know I will become a Limber Lilly (is that a thing?) by the end of this.

The first group meditation was, well, challenging. I felt like I was meditating for the first time ever. I kept thinking, how am I going to survive doing this multiple times a day for the next 10+ days?! One breath at a time, I guess. S.N. Goenka kept repeating ‘diligence’ and ‘patience’… Also, ‘you are bound to succeed.’ Am I though?!!! When I finally got up from this meditation, I felt like a baby giraffe taking its first steps and nearly tumbled onto my neighbor.

Lunch was good, especially the salad. I can’t help but judge my fellow dhamma sisters by what they are choosing to eat, and how they eat… too fast, too slow, the way they chew. I assume we are all doing the same thing to one other, or maybe not. I really need to be up against the wall again. I was first to meet with the teacher at lunch. She said things should get easier, or maybe they will get harder before they get easier. It depends on each person. She said this will be one of the hardest things I ever do, but also the best, and welcomed me to return back tomorrow. I decided to just walk the trail over and over again, during breaks. But wow, could they make this a little longer than a quarter mile? One girl on the race track does not quit. She even stretches while she walks. After walking, I tried to take a nap and then failed. It’s hard to quiet the mind.

The second meditation seemed slightly easier to get through. I decided to focus on a year of my life for each meditation or to at least acknowledge it. Otherwise, we are only supposed to diligently, attentively and patiently focus only on our breath, and the nostril region. The one thing that makes the meditation uncomfortable is the fact that I am still presenting with early symptoms of a UTI. This isn’t good, because I don’t have any medication or the proper essential oils with me, and I have had a UTI turn into a kidney infection in the past. The teacher had us newbies stay after the meditation. The teacher looks JUST like my manager at work, and their voices are the same. It’s uncanny. She also has the prettiest ocean blue eyes. She invited us up in small groups, as the rest of us continued to meditate. She asked how we were doing one at a time, and explained that we had a choice of returning to our rooms for further meditation or staying in the hall after our small discussion. I don’t understand why anyone would stay in the hall. It’s too noisy for me.

At tea break/”dinner”, which consists of just tea and fruit, I gulp down some Kirkland Vitamin C that is available for us to take. I make myself a Mexican fruit salad, with fresh lime juice, salt, and cayenne pepper. So glad they have all of the spices. I go on a walk after tea, and when it’s time for evening meditation, I briefly talk to the manager about my predicament. She is awesome and says she will find me cranberry supplements. The meditation isn’t too bad for me, and after a short break, it’s time for our exciting evening entertainment; our first-day discourse with S.N. Goenka. This is the first time I have seen him, or at least a 90’s televised version of him. I can finally put a thick accent to a face. He is sitting next to a woman on a stage (his wife?) who looks super unimpressed, so the cameraman finally chooses to focus only on him. Good choice. He explains everything we are probably going through, like a psychic. That our discomfort is our body essentially detoxing. It is as though we are performing surgery on ourselves, but without anesthesia and that we are in fact letting the pus (toxins) come to the surface. He actually has a great sense of humor. He says that we will get to the root of our misery by doing this, and that just like a doctor wouldn’t abandon a patient during surgery, that we shouldn’t abandon ourselves (aka quit). This hour and a half long video hurt my eyes. Afterward, we had another 45-minute meditation, which I and everyone else barely stayed awake for. My manager slings me some cranberry pills and special tea, and I am all too excited about it. I take my evening shower, that no one ever signs up for, and head to bed. I survived the first day, and hopefully will survive this UTI!

For some strange reason, they don’t count Registration Day as Day 1. My mom was so kind as to drive me all of the way to Joshua Tree for the retreat, and used every minute of the drive to convince me everything was going to be ok… It was a lot of “I can’t do this” and a whole lot of “Well, I’m not turning around” from my mom. En route, I was experiencing symptoms of a UTI. I didn’t know if it was psychosomatic or whether it was the real real, so we stopped by a sketchy gas station to purchase some cranberry juice. I kept thinking it probably wouldn’t do anything with the amount of sugar in it. Do you like cranberry juice in your sugar? We decided to have my Last Supper, or Last Lunch in this case at Sister’s Natural Café in Joshua Tree, before entering into silence.

You can arrive at the center between 2-5 PM on Registration Day, and we got there at around 2:30 PM. We entered in the women’s side (genders are separated to eliminate any… um…distractions), where I filled out a registration form that re-iterated the same questions I had answered in the online application. They asked for us to agree to stay all 10 days. One woman slightly scolded me for my shoulders showing. I explained that it was close to 100 degrees outside and I was really warm. She responded that everyone else had their shoulders covered, and we should adhere to the dress code as soon as we step onto the property. I’m off to a good start, I thought…

I was given a room in the dormitory, with no roommate. I was excited about this privacy, considering how small the room was. As we were standing outside, I realized I had forgotten a sun hat, and that walking would be the silver lining during this whole potentially cloudy ordeal. It was one last excuse to escape, and so my mom drove me to a nearby Walgreens to buy a sun hat, some extra socks, and a miniature flashlight since there isn’t much light (or light pollution) on the property. This little getaway gave me enough time to make any last phone calls and texts. Once my mom finally left, I sat quietly in my room, and thought, holy shit, this is real, this is happening! Although I had Xanax at hand, I had agreed to not use any mind-altering substances while there. I started to put everything away and signed myself up on the board for which day I would clean our communal bathroom and showers, and at which time I would be showering. This helps to avoid any confusion or miscommunication. I briefly spoke to a couple of my dorm mates, one who I let borrow my extra ear plugs. Another gave me six bottles of Essence Alkaline Water, just out of the kindness out of her heart. I definitely got the community feel and felt a lot less alone in this. Plus, I had no idea the alkaline water would eventually help out my UTI (which was real after all), and later serve as a way to hold all of the lemon water I would drink.

Dinner started at 6 PM. We had a bowl of delicious lentil soup and salad. I sat next to a newbie, an ‘old student’ (her third time) and a woman who had completed 10 other silent retreats, leading her to write a book on it. Didn’t catch her name. According to them, the cuisine remains basically the same across all retreats. Insight was given on how the third day might be the hardest, and a strong recommendation to not quit. It is completely worth it, they said. Before leaving the dining area, I spotted a sign-up sheet to meet with the teacher for 5 minutes tomorrow. I’ll take any excuse to chat, so I signed up.

At 7 PM, we all gathered together, men and women separated (of course) to go over the Code of Discipline and its precepts. They asked that if we do not feel we align with the Code of Discipline and its precepts, that we should leave. Otherwise, we are expected to stay for all 10 days. He mentioned that endangered Desert Tortoises sometimes sneak in and that we aren’t to scare them, otherwise, they could excrete themselves and die (spirit animal?). He then asked that no one use anything coconut based, as it attracts ants, and to ask our manager for any replacement non-coconut based products that we might need instead. All of us hippie/alternative gals gave a darting look of ‘um.  No?’ One of us even asked our manager about that, and she admitted that she herself was using coconut products so we just left it at that.

At 8 PM, we met at the meditation hall for our first group meditation. We were told that Noble Silence would begin when we entered the hall, so we got all of our chatter out before then. How does this not count as Day 1 again? They assigned us seats and I was in the third row on the edge. Next to me was a row of chairs for the older adult women who may not be able to sit on the floor. We were introduced to S.N. Goenka (foremost lay teacher of the technique of our time) over the loudspeaker, who chanted us into the 45-minute meditation, and asked us to focus on breathing, while repeatedly using the word ‘scrupulously.’ He also went over the rules again and had us repeat them back to him #callandresponse. We all chuckled when he said that old students cannot sleep on luxurious beds as a rule. Is there such a thing as a luxury at a Vipassana retreat?!  I know I am not supposed to write during the retreat, but I technically didn’t see it as a written rule. Also, what else am I supposed to do? After the meditation, I took a shower at my allotted time, and I just hope for the best tomorrow.